Sunday, December 9, 2012

By Jove, I think I've got it!

Way back in 2010, a movie came out called 'Blue Valentine' in which Ryan Gosling performed oral sex on Michelle Williams. It was sweet and hot without being particularly gynecological and yet it netted the movie an NC-17 rating from the MPAA.

In response Gosling said "There is something very distorted about this reality that they've created, which is that it is OK to torture women on screen...Any kind of violence towards women in a sexual scenario is fine. But give a woman pleasure, no way. Not a chance. That's pornography."*

The public outcry was so large that the MPAA caved and changed their NC-17 to an R but it's really hard to argue with his conclusion, particularly in light of the recent ramp up of the 'legitimate rape' thing the conservatives are pushing. The subtext is that if a woman gets pregnant from such an attack she must have (secretly, of course) enjoyed it. You have to wonder, though. Why is it so much worse to show a man giving a woman pleasure versus victimizing her? Finally, I think I have an answer.

It's wasteful.

Per the 'conserve' portion of their nomenclature, conservatives merely want to husband their resources. Romance, as everyone knows, is a black hole when it comes to time, money, and energy, especially when you could be using those resources for positive things like world domination. There's prostitution, I suppose, but they're not too keen on that idea either despite the fact that buying a quick fuck has got to be more economically frugal than spending thousands on dates and jewelry.

Maybe it comes down to the fact that, historically speaking, prostitutes aren't the best mothers. STD's, addictions, and extreme poverty are endemic. Prostitutes in antiquity were more likely to attempt some form of birth control (which, incidentally, conservatives are also famous for not liking). Plus, you had to negotiate. So much easier to find a nice girl tending her flock of fluffy sheep and have your way with her. This behavior nets progeny AND they get to hoard resources that would otherwise have been wasted on her (who only a couple centuries ago was chattel for God's sake-- those were the days.).

Put that way, romance is fiscally irresponsible in these dark economic times. Better to show our nation's young how the true winner behaves-- with force. Take Genghis Khan, founder of the largest contiguous empire in human history which stretched from the Yellow Sea in the east to the Black Sea in the west. According to DNA evidence, by 2003 our man Genghis had roughly 16 million modern male descendents. This doesn't even take into account his female descendents since it was based on Y chromosome studies- and he wouldn't have cared anyway since Mongols famously had only one use for women.

It's clear that fortune favors the rapist.

Interestingly enough, biology favors the rapist too. In a Canadian study from 2007, researchers found that "Reflexive vaginal responding may have had fitness benefits for our female ancestors because vaginal vasocongestion produces lubrication, which reduces the likelihood of injury and subsequent infection during vaginal penetration. Ancestral women who did not reflexively lubricate would have been more likely to experience injuries or infections that could have rendered them reproductively sterile or resulted in their deaths."**

In other words: she gets wet because if she doesn't you will tear her and she will possibly die. She's not hot for you, asshole, she's protecting herself.

Footnotes for those who wondered:
*Robles, Celina "Ryan Gosling: Female Pleasure Is "Pornography," According to MPAA" ( 12.07.10)
** Abassi, Jennifer "What Our Eyes Say About Our Sexual Preference" (PopSci 08.08.12)

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Thursday, August 9, 2012

I've had many conversations over the years about the inherent weirdness that is Japanese culture. Most often, dropping the bombs at Hiroshima and Nagasaki, or the bizarro censorship practiced during the Occupation are pointed to as pivotal mechanisms for the weird. After some very interesting research, I've come to the conclusion that it's just how island biodiversity manifests itself in the hearts and minds of these particular islanders. I'm not saying that brainwashing and radiation might not play a part but I resent the implication that tentacle porn is somehow my fault. Historic shunga says otherwise.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

I once knew a woman so self-absorbed she manifested all the signs of being a black hole. Light couldn't escape, nor anything else. I suspected, but had no proof, that she emitted a kind of all-purpose radiation; people tended to die inside when she was around and animals cringed. True story.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

To all the mothers

Here's to you, moms~

You kissed boo-boos and owies and noses and toeses.

You sang lullabies on an endless repeating loop.

You cuddled away night terrors and boogie men by the closetful.

You laughed at nonsensical jokes (though I've recently discovered a way to kill a knock knock joke dead!email me privately).

You drank invisible tea or perhaps were taken prisoner by ninjas and pirates in unholy alliance. Maybe you did both. At the same time.

You did your part to civilize the savages (your children, the ninjas and pirates).

You read 'Goodnight Moon' and 'Velveteen Rabbit' more times than anyone should have to.

You were the best Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, and Great Pumpkin a kid could have.

You angered slowly and forgave quickly.

You meted out just enough punishment to get your point across.

You never seriously considered selling your hormone-crazed teenager for spare parts.

You let go when the time was right.

You kept your arms and heart open.

You're the best.

That's why we love you.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Lucky Seven-- Ages of Lilith

Who slays my children? He thundered, his wrath buffeting me like a mighty wind. His face was fined down to skin and beautifully sculpted bone, but he had only one baleful violet eye and it was fixed on me with singular purpose. Fear froze me, but the swarm answered.
ZHEHURTZZUZZ! They chorused. He crouched and gathered a handful of the scattered husks. Tears fell from his eye as freely as the socket on the other side spilled maggots.
Oh, my small brave ones, what has happened to you?

Lucky Seven -- Caught Napping

Early exposure to the exotic dancers and burlesque performers that his mother worked with had certainly given him an appreciation for a gilded lily but she was something else, a pitcher plant maybe. Carnivorous plants made for a fascinating study, but it always struck him that the difference between a venus fly trap and a pitcher plant was a matter of intent; the flytrap was actively a killer. Sonia was arguably more passive about it. She was also way too smart for her own good. His too, come to that.

Lucky Seven -- Chrome Dragon

“I hate you,” she told him.
“Yes, I know. But I content myself that I will survive without your regard. It may be difficult, I may experience the occasional pang, but I will muddle through.”
“I'll give you pangs,“ she promised hoarsely.
“Now, now. Wait to kill me until you're feeling better. Drink.”
So she drank and gagged and glared so menacingly that Jahi laughed until tears ran down his face.