To all the mothers

Here's to you, moms~

You kissed boo-boos and owies and noses and toeses.

You sang lullabies on an endless repeating loop.

You cuddled away night terrors and boogie men by the closetful.

You laughed at nonsensical jokes (though I've recently discovered a way to kill a knock knock joke dead!email me privately).

You drank invisible tea or perhaps were taken prisoner by ninjas and pirates in unholy alliance. Maybe you did both. At the same time.

You did your part to civilize the savages (your children, the ninjas and pirates).

You read 'Goodnight Moon' and 'Velveteen Rabbit' more times than anyone should have to.

You were the best Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, and Great Pumpkin a kid could have.

You angered slowly and forgave quickly.

You meted out just enough punishment to get your point across.

You never seriously considered selling your hormone-crazed teenager for spare parts.

You let go when the time was right.

You kept your arms and heart open.

You're the best.

That's why we love you.

Alphabet for Perverts

A is for anal, a pain in the ass

B is for blowjob, as given by Cass


C is for cock, as in pecker or willy

D is for daisy chain, lascivious and silly


E is for erogenous-- those zones that are tender

F is for fetish-- as in gender and bender


G is for g spot, the fountain of Ruth

H is for hardcore, often sold in a booth


I is for intercourse, what more can I say?

J is for jacking or jilling all day


K is for kink-- mine ain't weirder than yours

L is for labia, barely covered by drawers


M is for masochist, who enjoys the whip

N is for naked (read bare-assed) or nip


O is for orgy, for those who like groups

P is for penis-- when it tires it droops


Q is for quaint, the cunt of it's time

R is for roger, but not Hammerstein


S is for sadist, he who hurts you with leather

T is for tribbing, we can rub ours together


U is for union, the best ones take skill

V is for voyeur, Tom's getting a thrill


W is for wet dream, an emission of cream

X is for XTC, it ain't all a dream


Y is for yiffing for those who like fur

Z is for zazzle, you're lusting for her